My brain, she is fried.

You have no idea how much I have put off writing this post– not because there’s anything bad going on, I don’t have any kind of dramatic announcement or anything –like “I’m pregnant!” or “Madi’s pregnant!” (OK, not funny!)– but because spending 3 weeks in bed does not exactly stimulate one’s creative juices, so coming up with something remotely interesting to write about has been…. challenging! I just kept thinking that maybe the longer I waited, the better the chances would be that my head would not feel so full of cotton and I could come up with the kind of pithy, elegant writing you’ve all become accustomed to. Stop laughing. So far? Not really working out that way. At this point I’m taking very little medication of any kind, so I’m certainly not in a chemically-induced state of fuzzy-headedness, I’m just kinda fried from that whole 3-weeks-laying-around thing. My attention span is about the same as a hummingbird’s, and I’m a little prone to trailing off in the middle of a sentence because I forgot what I was saying. Honestly, you guys, I am pitiful– if you hung out with me right now, you would totally feel compelled to start a telethon on my behalf.

There is good news, though– the chiropractor  I have started seeing, Dr. Dedmon, is definitely helping me. Obviously the healing process is taking a lot stinkin’ longer than I would like, but it is encouraging that progress is being made. My sweet brother Matt and his best-thing-that-ever-happened-to-him wife Carol have brought dinner over twice, and when they came over on Saturday I actually put on a dress and sat out with them on the deck– for two whole hours! Granted, I was still hooked up to my electrode-thingy machine and had to sit on a bunch of pillows, but still– I bet from a distance I looked like a real person. I also walked down to what would be my garden, if I had been able to plant it, and picked a beautiful fresh strawberry from a plant that somehow survived from last summer. I have also contacted someone named Armando who is going to maybe come by in the next couple of days and see about prepping my raised bed boxes to actually see if we can get a modest little garden in, as late as it is. Maybe just a few tomatoes, cucumbers and herbs– just enough to give me something to pick and carry back up to the house in my skirt which I love to do as it makes me feel very Ma Ingalls. And my big goal is to be well enough and strong enough to head down to Gatlinburg on Thursday for our annual trek to Family Fest– Dr. Dedmon seems to think we can pull it off, so I am really looking forward to that. Not sure how much I will be out and about once I’m there, but I’m taking it a day at a time and hoping for the best.

Since I have had very little to do except watch TV and sleep (reading has not been that easy– see: ‘hummingbird attention span’ as well as ‘totally random naps at the drop of a hat’) I have learned several things that I wanted to pass along to all of you. Seriously, I have never watched this much TV in my life. And though this may be totally useless information, please humor me– trust me, it’s gonna be more interesting than more blow-by-blow accounts of my aches and pains. That’s right, conversation with me right now can easily veer into areas that would be right at home in an assisted living facility. Honestly, I am *thisclose* to bringing up the subject of constipation… *THISCLOSE*, people!

So. In order to spare all of us, let me now present my

Top 10 List Of Things I Have Learned From Watching A Crapload Of TV Lately:

10.  By the time you watch the same Sonic commercial 3 times in 30 minutes, you REALLY want some tater tots.

9. Ditto for “milkshake made with real ice cream.” (You’re wanting one right now, admit it.)

8. Lost makes absolutely no sense if you have not been watching it from the beginning. Actually this might still be true even if you have been watching it from the beginning. And that’s WITHOUT the benefit of painkillers.

7. Reruns of West Wing are better than 90% of the current shows on television.

6. Watching Dr. Phil ream out wimpy parents who are letting their rebellious, foul-mouthed, greedy teenagers get away with murder is A) remarkably cathartic and B) makes me want to go build a shrine to Madi and Charlotte. They are so much better than we deserve, folks.

5.  The Real Housewives of New York/New Jersey/Orange County are neither ‘real’ nor ‘housewives’. Discuss.

4.  I have watched so many 48 Hours, Dateline, Snapped, 20/20, and Women Behind Bars episodes about women who kill their husbands that I could probably write a how-to book. Not that Russ should be nervous or anything.

3.  I totally do not get why some people are so anti-Oprah, especially some Christians. She’s not a religion, people, she’s a talk show host! She doesn’t have any more or less influence than any other well-known, popular celebrity– which is to say, she doesn’t have any more or less influence than people allow her to have. If you don’t particularly like her, don’t watch her. I don’t have any strong feelings about her one way or the other, but honestly? I don’t think she’s the anti-Christ. And you gotta admit, that whole “No Phone Zone” pledge she’s got going about not texting while driving is a dang good idea.

2. The History Channel actually has a show called Pawn Stars which is about three generations of overweight guys who own a pawn shop in Las Vegas. And I actually watched 4 back-to-back episodes in a row. Until 1:00 in the morning.

And the Number 1 thing I learned from watching way too much TV lately?

Depending on the current state of my bedroom, watching Hoarders can either make me feel very together and on top of things or vaguely uneasy…

(And no, this is NOT my bedroom!)

Well, I’m off to the chiropractor– more later!

15 Responses

  1. GRITSinNC

    Glad you’ve found some relief and are much better. Wonderful that you can go to Gatlinburg (wish I could)…I know you’ll be careful to not overdo after what you’ve been through.

    I know what you mean about concentration/attention span. I’ve also be laid up for a few weeks, which would be a perfect time to catch up on reading & scrapbooking & cardmaking, but can I concentrate or create? No. I can’t even concentrate on the TV…I find myself just staring at it with not a clue what’s being said. Oh well, I too am doing better…up & about…not so sure about any improvement with the fried brain.

    Also, congratulations on your fine daughters. That seems to be a rarity these days…you are indeed blessed. Your husband ain’t bad either. :)

  2. KellyBurton

    Tori on her worst day = funnier and more creative than 90% of the ____ out there

    (I so love you)

  3. LindaB

    Gee, I’m glad you are going to go to Family Fest in the beautiful Smokies, you deserve a vacation……but…….I hope the hotel bed doesn’t set you back! They are notoriously HARD! Or, is that what you need? Maybe you could round up a few of those Taco Bell bucket-type seats to take with you? (Sorry, I know that “incident” wasn’t funny at the time, but when you tell it, it is!)

    I agree about Oprah—–I like her! She’s a shining example of someone using their celebrity for good……….well, except when she endorsed a certain person for president. (Oops! Did I say that out loud? It was the spirit of our Betty that made me say that! ;) ) No, seriously, Oprah got people to READ! And the cell phone pledge was a very good thing—-probably saved more than a few lives! She gave millions away——-and built a school for girls in Africa! That school was amazing! I say bless her heart! AND, she introduced us to Dr. Oz!!!! I love Dr. Oz!! And now he’s got his own TV show….and it’s great!!! I watch it everytime I can. It seems she’s always trying to bring guests into our home to help people or bring awareness to some problem we never knew existed……and how terrible it is to have that problem…….and how to find help if you have that problem……….and I’m rambling now. Sorry.

    Tori, I have to tell you this……….watching “Women Behind Bars” and “Pawn Stars” is a slippery slope that may lead to “The Jerry Springer Show”! And then, horrors of horrors, Howard Stern! And you don’t want that to happen, do ya? I didn’t think so. Russ and the girls would have to have an intervention and you’d laugh so hard you’d mess your back up again! Stick with Oprah……and Phoebe! You can’t go wrong with those girls! An idle mind ya know…….

    Oh, and that picture from “Hoarders” looks exactly like my basement. But I didn’t make that mess——-my husband did. Really. I’m neat as a pin.

    (Okay, don’t tell anyone this, but I like to watch “Dog, The Bounty Hunter”. Your daughter got me watching it. Now, I can’t quit. And get this—–he’s coming to Mt. Pleasant near where we live and I’ve got tickets to see him! He’s going to speak about “Fathering” on Father’s Day. I know it will be dang inspirational! I’m gonna try to find a T-shirt that says “I LOVE THE DOG” to wear there. Are you jealous, Madi? Wanna come with me?

  4. LindaB


  5. bettyrwoodward

    So glad you are going to Gatlinburg. Too far for us this year. May be again one day! If your back wasn’t bad I’d say ‘Get Russ to take you for a ride round Cades Cove and watch the bears’ anyway I guess he’ll be busy at Familyfest. Enjoy!

  6. VA-Cathy

    As I was reading this I thougt, oh no, she won’t be able to come to Gatlinburg. I’m so happy that you’re going to get to come!! One of the ladies in our little group just had back surgery on May 4. When she scheduled it she told the surgeon that she was coming and not to mess it up for her. Her recovery was a little slower than she thought it would be so she started thinking that she couldn’t come. I kept praying that she would wake up one morning feeling loads better. That’s about what happened so now she’s coming. We’ll have to be careful to avoid the push and shove of the crowds – as will you!! It shows you how special Family Fest is that we push on, no matter what, to be there.

    Being one experienced with pain meds – I understand your being *this close* to bringing up that subject!!! Fiber One muffins helps!!

    I hope I get to meet you in Gatlinburg!!

  7. tori

    GRITS– Honey, you totally get it, don’t you? I know what you mean about staring at the TV and not being able to concentrate… which probably explains “Pawn Stars”…

    KellyBurton– And I love you. Hurry up and move, wouldja?

    LindaB– Thank you for that note of Oprah solidarity. And trust me, I will NOT sink to the Springer and Stern level. I DO have some standards; they’re low, but I’ve got ‘em.(And OMG, Madi will be SO tempted to show up at your house to go see Dog with you!!!!!!!)

    VA-Cathy– We’ve GOT to meet! I’m not sure ow much I will be at the convention center, I am just going to have to play it all by ear, but let’s look for each other, OK?

  8. meb

    So glad to hear you are finally getting better. Nothing is worse than having time on your hands and yet not being able to concentrate enough to do what you love to do.

    I have to agree with the West Wing comment too. I have been DVR’ing all the episodes and wish they would make more shows like that. Or perhaps even elect some of the characters from the show. They’d do a better job than most we have in office now.

    We’ll be thinking about all of you in Gatlinburg this weekend as we move to… well we still don’t know where yet.

  9. jd2008

    I hope you feel better. Those things about TV are SO true. We will watch Hoarders on Demand occasionally, just watching it makes me want to either throw up or clean my room. You MUST build a shrine to Madi & Charlotte. Go for it!


  10. chillybean

    Tori, could The West Wing be a family thing? Nathan loves that show and orders it on his Netflics cue. I never watched it when it was on, but enjoyed the few episodes I saw with him.

  11. rachelbaker

    Your brain, is a she? Huh, I’ve never thought of my brain as female before … obviously it is a female’s brain, but does it have a gender of its own? Well at least you have made my fried brain start chugging, even about something so unimportant!

  12. ibclcisme

    Hoarders…yes. I am strangely addicted to that show and then I get a sort of uneasy, crap-I-better-straighten-up feeling going on. Weird.

    Obviously you missed “Pit Boss” on Animal Planet. Picture it: a group of little people (read: midgets) that breed pit bulls.

    No more needs to be said.

  13. Barbara M. Lloyd

    Gracious, we all know that being out of the fresh air and sunshine is not good for any blooming flower…..therefore, I am certain that some time at FF, even hidden away in a cabin somewhere, with sunlight streaming through the roof, is gonna be just the right medicine for you. I’m praying it will be! All of these reports coming only from your bedroom could be dangerous….after time.

    Keeping you in my prayers, sweetheart and wishing you beautiful family time wherever you are.

  14. itsvikki2u

    Finally! I finally got my password/username fixed.. or whatever, in any case I can now respond! Dang, I was hoping by now you would be up and at em… so sorry. Love your posts and love keeping up with you and yours. So glad we are “friends”… wanted to be friends with Tori Taff and woohoo… here we are! Stay Strong in Christ, Vicki

  15. Meredith

    Personal favorite list of shows:
    *NCIS (the original…can’t get into the new LA version)
    *Law and Order (either the original or SVU…can’t seem to enjoy the characters on Criminal Intent)
    *TLC’s Say Yes To The Dress (I’m a girly girl all the way…it’s a reality show filmed at Klienfeld Bridal Salon in NYC)
    *Will and Grace (guilty pleasure)

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