You have no idea how much I have put off writing this post– not because there’s anything bad going on, I don’t have any kind of dramatic announcement or anything –like “I’m pregnant!” or “Madi’s pregnant!” (OK, not funny!)– but because spending 3 weeks in bed does not exactly stimulate one’s creative juices, so coming up with something remotely interesting to write about has been…. challenging! I just kept thinking that maybe the longer I waited, the better the chances would be that my head would not feel so full of cotton and I could come up with the kind of pithy, elegant writing you’ve all become accustomed to. Stop laughing. So far? Not really working out that way. At this point I’m taking very little medication of any kind, so I’m certainly not in a chemically-induced state of fuzzy-headedness, I’m just kinda fried from that whole 3-weeks-laying-around thing. My attention span is about the same as a hummingbird’s, and I’m a little prone to trailing off in the middle of a sentence because I forgot what I was saying. Honestly, you guys, I am pitiful– if you hung out with me right now, you would totally feel compelled to start a telethon on my behalf.
There is good news, though– the chiropractor I have started seeing, Dr. Dedmon, is definitely helping me. Obviously the healing process is taking a lot stinkin’ longer than I would like, but it is encouraging that progress is being made. My sweet brother Matt and his best-thing-that-ever-happened-to-him wife Carol have brought dinner over twice, and when they came over on Saturday I actually put on a dress and sat out with them on the deck– for two whole hours! Granted, I was still hooked up to my electrode-thingy machine and had to sit on a bunch of pillows, but still– I bet from a distance I looked like a real person. I also walked down to what would be my garden, if I had been able to plant it, and picked a beautiful fresh strawberry from a plant that somehow survived from last summer. I have also contacted someone named Armando who is going to maybe come by in the next couple of days and see about prepping my raised bed boxes to actually see if we can get a modest little garden in, as late as it is. Maybe just a few tomatoes, cucumbers and herbs– just enough to give me something to pick and carry back up to the house in my skirt which I love to do as it makes me feel very Ma Ingalls. And my big goal is to be well enough and strong enough to head down to Gatlinburg on Thursday for our annual trek to Family Fest– Dr. Dedmon seems to think we can pull it off, so I am really looking forward to that. Not sure how much I will be out and about once I’m there, but I’m taking it a day at a time and hoping for the best.
Since I have had very little to do except watch TV and sleep (reading has not been that easy– see: ‘hummingbird attention span’ as well as ‘totally random naps at the drop of a hat’) I have learned several things that I wanted to pass along to all of you. Seriously, I have never watched this much TV in my life. And though this may be totally useless information, please humor me– trust me, it’s gonna be more interesting than more blow-by-blow accounts of my aches and pains. That’s right, conversation with me right now can easily veer into areas that would be right at home in an assisted living facility. Honestly, I am *thisclose* to bringing up the subject of constipation… *THISCLOSE*, people!
So. In order to spare all of us, let me now present my
Top 10 List Of Things I Have Learned From Watching A Crapload Of TV Lately:
10. By the time you watch the same Sonic commercial 3 times in 30 minutes, you REALLY want some tater tots.
9. Ditto for “milkshake made with real ice cream.” (You’re wanting one right now, admit it.)
8. Lost makes absolutely no sense if you have not been watching it from the beginning. Actually this might still be true even if you have been watching it from the beginning. And that’s WITHOUT the benefit of painkillers.
7. Reruns of West Wing are better than 90% of the current shows on television.
6. Watching Dr. Phil ream out wimpy parents who are letting their rebellious, foul-mouthed, greedy teenagers get away with murder is A) remarkably cathartic and B) makes me want to go build a shrine to Madi and Charlotte. They are so much better than we deserve, folks.
5. The Real Housewives of New York/New Jersey/Orange County are neither ‘real’ nor ‘housewives’. Discuss.
4. I have watched so many 48 Hours, Dateline, Snapped, 20/20, and Women Behind Bars episodes about women who kill their husbands that I could probably write a how-to book. Not that Russ should be nervous or anything.
3. I totally do not get why some people are so anti-Oprah, especially some Christians. She’s not a religion, people, she’s a talk show host! She doesn’t have any more or less influence than any other well-known, popular celebrity– which is to say, she doesn’t have any more or less influence than people allow her to have. If you don’t particularly like her, don’t watch her. I don’t have any strong feelings about her one way or the other, but honestly? I don’t think she’s the anti-Christ. And you gotta admit, that whole “No Phone Zone” pledge she’s got going about not texting while driving is a dang good idea.
2. The History Channel actually has a show called Pawn Stars which is about three generations of overweight guys who own a pawn shop in Las Vegas. And I actually watched 4 back-to-back episodes in a row. Until 1:00 in the morning.
And the Number 1 thing I learned from watching way too much TV lately?
Depending on the current state of my bedroom, watching Hoarders can either make me feel very together and on top of things or vaguely uneasy…
(And no, this is NOT my bedroom!)
Well, I’m off to the chiropractor– more later!