Top 10 Things I Want To Say To The Approximately 80 Frillion Potential Buyers And Their Realtors Who Have Looked At Our House Thus Far **EDITED TO ADD**

#10  OK, about the garage. It’s a lovely three car garage, but you probably can’t fully appreciate that because it currently contains– how can I say this delicately?– A WHOLE LOT OF CRAP. Quasi-organized crap, but crap nonetheless. There are several good reasons for that (have you MET my husband, Russ?), but the best one is that I can’t really tear into it, sort things out and start the messy process of preparing for the Mother of All Garage Sales when we keep having showings every dang fifteen minutes! (OK, I exaggerate.) (But not by much.)

#9   About the attic storage area: See #10.

#8  Who in the wide world of sports wants to go house-hunting at 8:00 a.m. on a SATURDAY or SUNDAY morning, for crying out loud? Apparently quite a few of you! I totally understand that if your work week is over and you are looking for a new place to live, it makes sense for you to schedule a nice full day of looking at lots and lots of houses on the weekend, but we are not 9 to 5-ers around here. We are artistic, creative types with delicate sensibilities who stay up until all hours writing songs and blog posts, and need our rest… (Read: We are lazy slugabeds who like to sleep in on the weekends, plus we stayed up too late watching documentaries on Netflix and we are not possibly going to be able to whip this house into shape until we have had at least two cups of coffee and a hot bath.) At any rate, seriously, chillax– the house will still be here at noon. Book your early showings with normal people, save those afternoon spots for people like us.

#7  Yes, I know my decorating style is a little… shall we say, ‘eclectic.’ I understand that not everyone wants giant folk art paintings in their entry hall, or monkey lamps in their den, but trust me– you are seeing the “After.” The “Before” had a lot more crazy art, and the dining room had a black wall and big giant harlequin diamonds painted on the other three… Frankly, I really beige-d this house up compared to what it usually looks like. But none of this should give you a moment’s concern, because the good news is we’ll be taking all of the really weird stuff (including the teenager) with us! So even though Charlotte’s room is still painted a shade of ‘Kermit the Frog In A Blender’ green, now it only kind of looks like circus folk live here. You’re welcome.

 **EDITED TO ADD** OK, this is hilarious! Someone just sent me this picture from an old People magazine– apparently I am not the only one with questionable taste in lamps! (I switched out the original shades with another lamp!)

#6  We have safely ensconced our two little yappers in the garage while you are perusing our house. Yes, they are indeed adorable and will be ridiculously happy to see you when you open the garage door because they are shameless doggy-treat whores and will be trying to charm you into giving them any kind of food item you might possibly be carrying around in your pocket, preferably a porterhouse steak. Do not buy into their “OH MY GOSH, we have been trapped in here for hours, SAVE US!!!” act, because they are lying. They have only been in there for about 30-40 minutes tops, and they have their nice cosy dog beds in there with them as well as a fresh bowl of drinking water. And if you see a suspicious looking puddle on the floor, please just avert your eyes. They have tiny little bladders, plus I think they totally do a ‘revenge pee’ every time we put them out there just to embarrass us.


#5  I don’t want to be bossy, but I feel compelled to tell you that you really should be buying this house for the backyard alone. Seriously, it is JUST THAT GOOD. You’ve not only got your honking big “outdoor living area” (that’s what all the cool kids are calling decks these days) what with the gazebo and dining table and lovely ‘sitting stairs’ and wisteria arbor and fenced doggy yard with a custom designed cattail iron gate and all– you’ve ALSO got a sweeping view of the acre lot and more importantly, the next door neighbor’s yard. This is key. They are retired, with green thumbs and a lot of time on their hands, so it’s like a dang botanical gardens over there. Bonus: There’s not a house directly behind us, so if you need to run out on the deck in your underwear for any reason, chances are no one will call the cops. Hello, SELLING POINT!

#4  This is a traditional house, with a traditional layout. Every room has a function– you cook in the kitchen, eat in the dining room, sleep in the bedroom, watch TV in the family room, etc. This should not be a hard concept to wrap your heads around, people. It has a lovely flowing floor plan, but what it *does not* have is a one great big room with everything open to the kitchen. To each his own, and far be it from me to tell you how to live, but I’m just saying, it’s all well and good until you wake up one day and realize you are frying fish in your living room, and then it’s too late. (This has actually only come up a couple of times with the younger clients, who have apparently been looking at a lot of new construction with their fancy schmancy “open floor plans” and all. What-EVER.) ( I blame HGTV.)

#3  Yes, that is indeed a putting green in our back yard. And no, we do not technically live on a golf course. But that aforementioned neighbor with too much time on his hands? He singlehandedly put in (and maintains) a 9 hole, par 3 GOLF COURSE behind us– the rest of the holes are spread out over a couple of other big back yards and the common area that backs up to the Little Harpeth River. It doesn’t really make any sense, but I was too nice to tell him no when he asked if he could put one hole in our yard because he’s just so sweet and he was all excited about it with his big ol’ retired puppy dog eyes plus he brings me roses from his gorgeous yard and he is out there mowing it and meticulously grooming it all the time and he bought those little flags and everything… And no, we have never actually played it. In the three years since he put it in, only about 5 people have actually played it. And if you buy the house and decide you don’t want it to be there, POOF, it’s gone, no problem. But look at it this way, Potential Buyer– hello, private golf course for free with your own groundskeeper! (I bet he’d even caddy for you, if you asked nicely.)

#2  I truly appreciate all of your kind comments about our house, I really do. It is so nice when you realtors leave us feedback that says things like, “Lovely home, showed beautifully!” and “Didn’t work for these clients, but I will definitely be back!” And it has been so encouraging to repeatedly be told, “You won’t have any problem selling this one!” and “It’s certainly priced well for this area!” Every time we hear that we are “In the top three on their list!” or “They really loved everything about it!” it gives us the will to go through the whole ‘getting-the-house-show-ready’ process one more time– (also known as the ‘how-the-#*@%-can-the-house-get-this-trashed-in-2-days?/didn’t-we-just-finish-showing-it?/you-people-are-slobs!/where-did-we-hide-the-toaster?’ process). I understand that this is the slow season for real estate, I understand that in many ways it’s a buyers market so people can afford to be picky– I get that. But this brings us to the number one thing I would really like to say to everyone who has traipsed through our house and peeked in our closets (yeah, I know I have an inordinate amount of nightgowns, what’s your point?) and tracked mud on our carpets and told us they were “SO impressed with the house, but we’re just not quite sure yet…”


We’re ready to go to Bell Buckle!

14 Responses

  1. grfdave

    We would have but my wife and daughter chose Spokane WA instead. If my son would ever finish high school and get a job( this week would be good for that) I would use it as a winter home! We just went thru the home buying process and I apologize for being one of those buyers!

  2. DonnaMariePatterson

    Bless your heart! I will pray for your sanity. Your house is beautiful and, if I could, I would buy it IMMEDIATELY so you could get you beauty and creativeness sleep in on the weekends!! I personally don’t like the ‘open’ room concept. It’s so much easier to keep just one or two rooms clean. ;-)

  3. tori

    grfdave: OK, I’ll let you off the hook– Spokane would be a heck of a commute from Brentwood… And I’ll bet you guys were perfectly LOVELY buyers!

    DonnaMariePatterson: I’m with you! One of my realtors says the same thing– “When every room opens into each other, I can’t shut a door and hide the laundry I haven’t folded in 5 days!”

  4. kbk314

    We love your blog! You are an excellent writer, and your perspective on everything from travel to selling a house is a blast. We can sympathize with being sick of showing a house. We went through it 2 years ago, and all we can say is, “This too shall pass!”
    Gary and Kim Koreiba

  5. tori

    kbk314: Hey you guys, great to see you here! Thanks for the kind words– love you, don’t be a stranger!

  6. jd2008

    we’ll take it off your hands! I’ve got $25 dollars and some Santa Claus salt shakers you could have!

  7. JanetB

    1. I would so TOTALLY buy your house if a) I lived in Tennessee; and b) I was independantly wealthy. Oh wait…the hole in the ground with the flag in it is a deal-breaker. Sorry. ;)

    2. Right there with ya on #8. Try this: Tell the realtors that they lose a point off their commission for every person they bring in before noon. That should do it. he he he

    3. What do you want to bet that 15-20 years from now, walls will be going up in half of those “great rooms?” Yep – these young ‘uns will discover what we already know: There is such a thing as too much openness…especially when the in-laws have to move in with you!

    4. Maybe if you offered to throw in the monkey lamp…or even a Grammy…? Just a thought.

    Thanks for making me laugh today. You rock!

  8. JanetB

    Oh, and…Char’s room? Not so bad, really. Could be worse…

    Reminds me of my best friend from high school…her parents let her redecorate her room any way she wanted. Her favorite album at the time was Pink Floyd’s The Wall. Remember that poster? Yeah – THAT shade of green. Kermit would’ve been much more soothing…

  9. tori

    jd2008: You drive a hard bargain… I’ll get back to you.

    JanetB: You made ME laugh today, too! Throwing in the monkey lamp might work if I could convince people it was Christina Aguillera’s… (It is hilarious that the hotel charged her $500 for that lamp– I think I paid about 1/10 of that!)

  10. auntie

    My house was for sale at the beginning of the recession, in 2008-2009. Not to discourage you, but I had over a hundred showings, and only one ridiculously low offer. My realtor just couldn’t understand when I told him I was done with the showings, that I absolutely, positively couldn’t take it anymore – cleaning, leaving the house for sometimes hours at a time, feeling rejected when they weren’t interested.

    I think he still thinks I am going to put it back on the market any day now, as he hints at this when I see him around town. I am just resigned to stay here now. After all, mortgage payments are cheaper than apartment rent these days. It’s when the water meter springs a leak and floods out your downstairs, or mice take up residence under your stove, that homeownership is not so grand!

  11. Barbara M. Lloyd

    Love the house…especially the gazebo. I would buy it but I’d need a mother-in-law suite for my children.

    Can’t wait for the tour of the soon-to-be home.

    Ever think about moving out, putting a realtor’s lock on the door, and staying away until the place is sold? I have pleanty of room but don’t wait too long ’cause I’m getting old.

  12. Cynthia

    Tori, you’re right about HGTV, not to mention “This Old House” and all the DIY shows broadcast from the UK. It never ceases to amaze me that our parents were able buy and sell their homes without staging and redocating. I don’t understand turning down a house simply because you don’t appreciate the taste of the current owner. Please how much is a gallon or two of paint.
    As I said before, the Taff’s and the selling of their house will remain in my prayers.

  13. beckabrown

    I love you, Tori! And I love your home. Having just gone through this process last year, I feel your pain. But it’ll sell. And Darlin’, spring is right around the corner. Bell Buckle or bust!

  14. kidpyramid

    I’d love it if you would leave all of your creativeness behind. I hate decorating and do not have the stomach for it.

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