My Goal In Life: Nursing Home Hottie

So, do any of you ever sit around and wonder exactly what kind of personal style you are going to adopt once you are really old and A) can’t pull off  ‘cute’ any longer on any level whatsoever and B) are at the age where you really don’t give a crap about what people think?

No? Just me?

Well, as frightening as this may sound, I have actually given this matter some thought. I have also sat over dinner with my fabulous friend Bonnie Keen and discussed it at great length. We are both in agreement that our best bet might be to go with that artsy, aging hippie look– you know, with lots of flowy tops, earthy looking fabrics, statement necklaces and stacks and stacks of jingly bracelets. Or maybe a glammed-out aging movie star look. Possibly with a rather severe chignon and dramatic eye make-up. And a turban. Kinda like Norma Desmond without the crazy eyes…

OK, maybe not.

Now admittedly, my Bonnie has a few advantages over me in the style/aging department– mainly due to the fact that she is 6 ft. tall and has gorgeous long racehorse legs that will still look fabulous when she is 90 because even if her knees get all wrinkly she can just put on some black support hose tights and still rock high heels.  Like I told her– “Boobs may come and go (literally), but legs are forever.”

I think that would make a great bumper sticker, don’t you?

Anywho. The other day I just happened to stumble across this great blog called “Advanced Style,” which offers all kinds of wonderful geriatric role models for gettin’ your style on no matter how old you are. And now I am faced with an embarrassment of riches, a plethora of choices as far as what kind of look I am planning on growing into as I ever-so-gently slide sideways into crone-hood. I can say that thanks to God and Sally’s Beauty Supply, more than likely I will die a blonde. And thanks to “Advanced Style,” I am now willing to expand my horizons and consider transforming Future Tori into a southern-fried version of some of the strikingly creative/totally oh-so-New York women they picture on their blog.

For example:

Seriously. I could SO see me copping this look.

Now check these out:

**Love the hat– but that big honkin’ purse looks like I could pack a grandchild in it.

** Granted, she’s just a unibrow away from looking exactly like Frida Kahlo, but you gotta love her attitude.

**This will totally be Bonnie and I in about 20 years.

**Yes, the skirt might be a tad too short, but I really love this entire ensemble.

** Exotic, colorful, stylish– she is WORKIN’ IT! (Tori’s To-Do List: Get a waist. Before I’m like, 70.)

**And to quote Bill Gaither, “Why not?”

Fabulous, right?

OK– what have we learned here? Apparently, to become the chic octogenarian I long to be, I am going to have to start investing in the following:

1. Hats

2. Brightly colored gloves

3. Lots of accessories, preferably vintage

4. RED lipstick

I’m in.

SO, tell me which is your favorite look– or if you don’t like any of the above, describe it!

14 Responses

  1. JanetB

    “Why not?” Seriously? That’s Princess Beatrice in about 40 years. The outfit screams “I’m leaving my fortune to my cockatoo.”

    Green turban & blue shoes…”I’m wearing everything I own.”

    Houndstooth…agree that it’s a sweet look. Wouldn’t it be fun if the hair was attached to the hat?

    Frida…seriously, this was my 4th grade teacher…complete with the lipstick & the nails. Wow – those nails. Gave me nightmares.

    Orange hat & big bag…one word. Poise. Think about it. (That’s probably what the big bag is for.)

    Purple gloves…the bag can be used either to tote her yorkie or to hide the fact that her boobs are dropping past her waistline. Handy.

    I just bought some new shoes for work. Grasshoppers. Love ‘em. Saw an older lady the other day with the exact same shoes. C’est la vie. :)

  2. Phyllis S

    Tori watch the video library piece, I just know this could be you…so classy….

    I hope this works such a class act at 101….

  3. Busymom

    JanetB made me snort. I like the houndstooth look.

  4. tori

    JanetB– You can totally come hang out with Bonnie and I at our nursing home. (Location yet to be determined.) And we can all three wear crazy-ass hats and make snarky comments about the nurses– it’ll be fun!

    PhyllisS– LOVE that– especially the red hanky she uses on the running board to step into the car! What a doll.

    Busymom– Me too.

  5. jonny

    I honestly hate to be the one to break it to you, but from the photos I’ve seen of you… and I mention this as one who cares… you were born with God-given Norma Desmond crazy eyes. There. I said it ! And it’s probably about time someone did. Maybe I should have sugar-coated that a bit, but those crazy eyes and the laugh of your’s I’ve heard in a few video clips that have been proffered here on Bloomr have been real motivators for me to actually meet you face-to-face one day = /

  6. tori

    Small j– OK, you have a point. Also? You just KNOW I would totally glue those sequins on my bare shoulder a la Norma Desmond, too. Probably while making crazy eyes and cackling!

  7. LindaB

    You’re kidding me! You sit around thinking of what kind of “style” you’re gonna have when you reach “senior-hood”? First of all, I can’t imagine you “just SITTING around” at any time! Well, maybe while you’re sitting in your car so your house stays spotlessly clean! But that’s it.

    I’ve never thought about what kind of “look” I’ll adopt when I’m old. Heck, I’ve never given much thought about “my look” when I was ANY age!!! I bet my kids have given some thought and worry about my style when I’m nursing home bound. They always said I dress like “Mimi” on the Drew Carey show. They are horrified with my fashion mantra—–“close enough”! They meet me at the church door every Sunday morning to “check me out”——to make sure my shoes match each other, my buttons are all buttoned, and my color combinations aren’t completely atrocious. How many times have I heard, “Mom, you should wear your coat in the auditorium ’cause it’s really chilly in there this morning!” They don’t fool me!

    My mother and sister are slaves to fashion! I’m FREE of that kind of bondage! When a neighbor of mine met my mother and sister for the first time, she asked me, “Linda, are you sure you weren’t adopted”?

    I guess, for my nursing home wardrope I’m gonna shoot for CLEAN, relatively unwrinkled, and right side out! Close enough!

    HEY! I just realized….. I AM OLD!!! This is it! My poor daughters!

  8. KellyBurton

    I feel like, since I sort of chanel Bea Arthur as Dorothy Spornak anyway, I might turn to the pastel-used-drapery look. But I hope I don’t. If I look anything like my 2 Grammas later in life, it will be all colorful polyester and smart bubushkas for me.

    I might need to rethink this whole thing. I think maybe I will try to pull off Harley Granny…

  9. auburn60

    Wow, I almost didn’t make it past the first sentence when I realized that I am both (A) and (B).

    But…then I looked at the pictures. I already possess a fabulous, huge purple bag, purple gloves and purple shoes… (Just waiting for the appropriate occasion to wear them all, y’know)… in picture #1. And I have the long,flowing black dress (without the cane,for now, anyway) in pic.3. And the fingernails! As fate would have it, I just this morning painted mine a glittery red-gold.

    So maybe there’s hope for me to be a fabulous nursing home diva. My kids have been looking at brochures for years to find me just the right one. I’ll suggest they look for one with a fashion component in addition to the requisite bingo and arts and crafts.

  10. Linda

    Well, since I have never been in style, I’m not going to worry about it now; but I just had to tell you that the last picture made me LOL (no offense to the lady; just the outfit). Anyway, I’m sure whatever style you choose, you will look simply mah-ve-lous!

  11. Gramma Jac

    I work in nursing homes daily–I have more of a list what NOT to wear–and my daughters have been instructed to keep my chin hairless!!! I really haven’t thought about my style–but I have thought a lot about what attitude I will have, especially if dementia sets in. I hope I’m happy–not ornery; and I’m pretty sure I will be “Feisty” and have an opinion or two,… or three!

  12. Gramma Jac

    Today I saw a little lady,…very frail, with dementia,…who was wearing a pants/top set in a purple fabric that my four year old would have worn in the 80’s. I gotta talk to my daughters again–no chin hair and no colors/fabrics that I wouldn’t have worn when I was younger if given a million dollars!!

    I was talking to the woman at my PT’s appointment desk and she told a funny story about holiday clothes. She has a Christmas sweater that she’d wear to work in December, thinking it was fun. Her daughter asked to borrow it which flattered her. Then she found out that her daughter and friends were having an ugly Christmas sweater contest–and her daughter won!!! LOL! She said to her daughter, “But I wear that to work!” and her daughter answered “Ya Mom, I’ve been going to talk to you about that,…!!!”

  13. Barbara M. Lloyd

    (shudder) I try not to think about what I will wear in the nursing home. While away this week end, I took royal bue slacks to wear with a totally black top…..not even mildly amusing to me. Everyone I encountered probably thought ,”poor soul” But then I’ve gone to church with two different colored shoe….and to the bank with my bouse turned inside out….and I was relatively young then. Maybe more than age, it’s just sometimes hard to think when you’re in a hurry. Anyway, that sounds better to me. For goodness sake, I haven’t even gotten to style yet….oh well, I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t even see this blog. One has to protect her peace of mind at all risks.

  14. carsmith

    My favorite would be the purple gloves and bag. Momma June could wear that outfit because she probably has purple gloves left over from the Red Hats and we know how frugal she is. I would be rockin the red fuzzy hat and red brackets also leftovers. Berna would be my friend in shock with all the yellow bangles and Theresa is none of these. She wouldn’t put on long sleeves or a coat—-too many power surges.
    Just a couple of years ago we took Gammy to the mall because she wanted her ears re-pierced, at 89.

    Not sure any of these ladies have enough “bling” for me. I didn’t know about the word bling until Berna commented on my bling on a Gaither trip several yrs ago.
    Runs in the family.

    My Mother-in-law (rest her soul) was a red head and wore bright colors and bling before it was in style. Jim always said to buy the gaudiest clothes and she would like it—-he was right. Dr’s told her to stop dyeing her hair (bright orange) when she was in her 80’s because it wasn’t healthy. She lived to be 95.

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