Adventures in Zumba– apparently, my hips DO lie.

It has recently become glaringly apparent to me that blogging, unfortunately, is not a cardio-vascular activity.

Imagine my chagrin. In fact, not only does writing not get your heart rate up and whittle your waistline, it appears that it can actually give you a big ol’ blogger’s butt.

Or so I’ve heard.

So, after taking a couple of years few months off from having any kind of regular exercise regime, I recently decided it was time to get the aforementioned rear end in gear and start working out again. I used to take a great Pilates class with some friends of mine which was really fun (or as ‘fun’ as exercise can be.) But it kind of petered out, and then we moved to the ‘burbs and well, you know how that goes. But the other day a couple of friends of mine were talking excitedly about this new exercise class at the Y that they just LOVED, and on a whim I decided I’d give it a shot. It’s called Zumba and according to their website it’s the latest fitness craze sweeping the country. Whatever. It was invented by some South American aerobics guy (who looks like he came straight from one of those Spanish Channel soap operas) and it’s kind of like Jazzercise, but more hip-wiggly and pelvic thrust-y. So, of course you know I was interested.

I showed up for class in my (well-worn and slightly tighter than I remembered) yoga pants and tank top, ready to get my groove on. It was a very diverse group of ladies, lots of shapes and sizes, and not completely filled with teensy little twenty-somethings, which was encouraging. I staked out my place on the back row, and tentatively started doing a little preliminary stretching. Oh lordy. AM STIFF. Undeterred, I jumped into the first couple of songs with both feet–literally–and though they were throwing a lot of choreography around, I managed to keep up. But before I could get too self-congratulatory, the cute little 90 lb. teacher in the hip-hop cargo pants cranked up some salsa/merengue music and things took an ugly turn. By the end of that song, I was wheezing, sweating, guzzling water and staring unbelievingly at the big clock on the wall that was telling me I still had about 50 minutes to go. Just when I was seriously considering faking a heart attack so I could SIT DOWN, the siren lure of a Shakira song came out of the speakers. Ahhhhh…. bellydancing! My forte! I took bellydancing lessons in my 20’s and then again about a year or so ago, with Madi. This I could do. Get ready, you flat-bellied, midriff-baring, taut-skinned little Brentwood hussies– Mama’s gonna show you how it’s done!

Oh, I danced, dear readers. I shimmied, I shook, I whirled dervishly. There were so many women in the class that I rarely got a clear view of myself in the mirror, but that didn’t matter; I was one with the music, baby, I was feeling it. Then, out of the corner of my eye as I was busting a particularly spectacular move, I caught a glimpse of myself. Holy crap on a cracker. I did  not see a Shakira lookalike, with flying hair and my-hips-don’t-lie sass. What I saw bore a startling resemblance to a booty-shaking Mrs. Doubtfire– I almost had a REAL heart-attack!

It’s now been two weeks and three more classes since I came face to face with reality. I have progressed to the point that I don’t think I’m going to die until about the last fifteen minutes of the class instead of the second song. I am keeping up better with the choreography and there are even a couple of numbers that I almost have memorized. I try to get there at least five minutes early so I can warm up, which will further reduce my chances of, you know, falling down and breaking a hip or something. *sigh* I am making peace with the fact that though my inner Smokin’ Hot Bellydancing Babe is alive and well, she is now residing inside the body of a 52 year old suburban wife and mother. I know. I’m just as surprised as she is.

**OK, this will give you an idea of what I’m talking about (this was the very Shakira song I butchered. I mean, danced the snot out of):

Check out the teacher in the front in the green bra-top thingy and what appears to be a dickie of some kind. Then look over to the left side in the back at the woman who inexplicably appears to be wearing Kabuki makeup and a kimono. Yeah. I’m shooting for something in between.

**EDITED TO ADD:** OK, watch the video again, and keep your eye on the Kabuki/kimono woman (man?) on the left, starting around the 1:00 mark, but REALLY around the 1:50 mark on. At about 2:00, you will be spitting your coffee out. I think I love her/him…

9 Responses

  1. Barbara M. Lloyd

    I’m not out of shape. I’m just over sized. Looks like my
    Sixty Something body’s worst nightmare, and my Chiropractor’s favorite dream.

    Yeah, I can remember 53 and deciding it was time to get into better shape before it was too late. Hope you have better luck and greater fortitude than I did.I’m down to chair aerobics… computer chair.

  2. Barbara M. Lloyd

    Oops, so sorry. That comment above was not Barb’s but Betty’s. Last time I’ll make that mistake…. until the next visit. We are off to MB for some southern gospel music and maybe even to celebrate the Taff’s anniversary with Russ… without Tori. Sorry Tori. You had your chance!

  3. CarolynR

    I’m just a bit mesmerised here by kimono woman!!! She is now officially my hero :-)

    Up until now it’s only been my fundament that’s shimmied – waistline comes close second, but one’s hard put to tell the difference these days, and I don’t think an industrial strength sports bra with undergirding would prevent a major incident!

    Am devastated at your revelation that blogging is not a cardiovascular activity!! This is terrible news !! I was obviously under the misapprehension that typing very fast was good for the heart – actually I do have the slimmest, fittest fingers in North Wales.

    *goes off to look for kabuki makeup and kimono*

  4. Barbara M. Lloyd

    Gracious, I’m not sure whether to buy you some linament or have you arrested. Made me exhausted just looking at it….’course that might have been because I was laughing so hard. This has to be one of those times when I realize I’m too old to drive over the speed limmit.

  5. belinda

    I need that class! We have gone paperless at work and there is no more getting up and pulling files, going to the copy machine, going to the fax machine. We set at our desk all day long just clicking away and there is NO exercise in it. Sometimes you take a break and get up and walk around, only to find out how stiff you are from sitting that long. I too have decided to get back into the exercise routine. I have to do mine first thing in the morning so I have my alarm set for 5am and hit the elliptical and other exercises. We can do this Tori!

  6. MostlySunny

    TOOOOOO funny!!!! I’m like belinda – I need that class! I only do “exercise” that is fun; right now it’s still rollerblading, but winter’s coming…This looks like a blast! I’ll have to check and see if my area if past Jane Fonda yet…

  7. Hazel

    Oh my gosh, i lost my password so i haven’t commented in a while, but i just took the time to “reapply” because I am freakin’ LAUGHING…HOLLERIN’ OUT LOUD…both at your post and “Pat” in the robe. Wahhhahahahahah!!!!! Can I come watch?…I’m afraid i might break something if i try to do what the dickie girl did! That made my day! still laughing….Love ya, Haze

  8. rockin robyn

    That is too funny! Ya can hardly see the guy “PAT” grabbed but I think I would have chose the dude in the first row… he had some moves…

    Zumba, hmmmm! —- it looks like fun… hope you are enjoying it Tori!

    Quite a few years back, I was one of those going to the gym at 6 in the freakin AM – doing step aerobics… I liked to get there early to get a spot upfront close to the instructor. (usually you want to hide in the back) But, if I didn’t get a spot up front I’d get behind someone who kept screwing up the steps – taking off with the left when you should be right… soon I’d catch myself following their lead instead of the instructors and than we bothed looked like idiots totally totally off track and stepping to a beat of our own!!! I loved how I felt about myself… the burn, the pain – amazing how those two words could actually make me feel good. Well I’m not feeling that now!! It’s all their fault though, you know, not mine – they went and changed the times of the classes and it interferred with getting to work on time…. yeah, that’s it!!! (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it)

    Holy crap on a cracker (you are toooo funny!!!) Thanks for the laugh at your expense.

  9. » My Birdy Little Secret | babybloomr

    […] about blogging in general and blog conferences in particular. I’ve described my awkward exercise adventures and the fact that I sometimes have quite a mouth on me…Basically I have no shame, I guess is what […]

Leave a comment

If you have already registered an account with us, log in to post a comment.

If you do not have an account, please setup a username to confirm you aren't a devil-spammer-from-Hell. A password will be sent to the email address you provide.