Cryptic Prayer Friday!

Dear God,

Please save me from religiosity. Because seriously? Some of your people are scary. Some of them are completely unable to function in the real world with people whose beliefs differ from theirs. And FYI, they are not doing you any favors with the whole wild-eyed, Scripture-quoting zealot thing. They make you sound like, as I read today, “an angry bigot with binoculars and a grudge.” Which you’re not

And please give me patience and compassion when I have to deal with the sheer dumb-assery of those aforementioned children of yours. Because sometimes they are so dogmatically unreasonable that I don’t know whether to laugh or cry (or stick a spork in their forehead.)


P.S. Have you thought about bringing back smiting?



**Dear Readers,

  Please feel free to add any cryptic prayers of your own. No need to expound on context or content, just let ‘er fly. You’ll feel better.

18 Responses

  1. LindaB

    Dear Lord,

    Please don’t bring back smiting……it’s too messy and potentially fatal.

    And save Sister Tori. I don’t know who upset her, but she sounds quarrellin’ and spittin’ mad. (And keep her away from all sporks.) Bring to her mind that Bible verse that says, “Let us all love one another, even the dumb ass ones who misrepresent You and cause us good ones to angereth ourselves and say all manner of trollish things” (Lindaviticus 2:14)

    Amen. Can I get a witness? Or maybe a bite to eat?

  2. LindaB

    Can I take up an offering now?

  3. CarolynR

    Dear Lord

    Please help our dear sister Tori who finds it so hard to let out what she really thinks. And if you are no longer in the business of smiting, perhaps you could engineer a tiny little mini-smite prat-fall for those who have uset her. However, as you know Lord, he that smiteth has to be prepared to be smitten, which I know you are with us even the dumb-assed amongst us.

    One thing I would really like to know though Lord is why, when one is sick nigh even unto death, is it those who are not your children who rally round with support and it is those spend Sundays sitting po-faced in Church who cross to the other side the rest of the week?

    Oh and while I’m here please will you forgive my sister LindaB who maketh me to spit up all over my keyboard which has resulteth in a terrible mess and for causing severe strain on the underwear department!

  4. kwr221

    I have no cryptic prayer right now, but I’m enjoying a good belly laugh right now. Thank you.

  5. auburn60

    Dear Lord,
    Thank you for bringing me that special word of wisdom last night. I WAS a little startled to see you standing at the foot of my bed. And you DID call me by the wrong name. (Who’s Oral?) And I think maybe I’ll pass on building prayer towers and such right now. The economy,you know.
    But I liked the part about getting my friends to send me all their money. So, I just promise them all kinds of vague ‘blessings’ in exchange for lining my pockets? I guess I could send them a little ‘prayer cloth’ or something. Those cheap handerchiefs at Sam’s should work. Let me be clear now–all I have to do is tell people that for me to have a mansion and a Bentley is Your will? And they will buy into that?
    Where have You been with this idea? I’ll get on this right away. Maybe a letter to start with, then some radio spots…
    Lord? You still there?
    Huh. Well,I don’t think I need You anymore,anyway.

  6. tori

    OK, this may be my favorite new post idea EVER!! I’m thinking ‘regular Friday feature’…
    Keep ‘em coming, it’s very cathartic!

    “Lindaviticus”? BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
    CarolynR– Yeah, a mini-smite prat-fall might be the kinder, gentler way to go.
    kr221– Keep thinking, one might come to you!
    auburn– Um, let me know how that ‘send me all your money’ thing works out… *dreaming of new kitchen countertops*

  7. Barbara M. Lloyd

    Dear Lord, I feel led to pray for that poor wrench who upset our sweet, adorable and perfect Tori. Lord, reach down into the mire of our earth and pull up that horrible creature and set her/him on the path to righteousness. And while you’re at it, Lord, you might just pull up the rest of us on this blog so we all can dance along with our Tori. What’s that, Lord? Our Tori isn’t perfect? Well shucks, maybe I’d better start this prayer over, Lord ’cause somebody led me astray.

  8. gracelynn

    Dear Lord, I join with my sista Tori and asked that you give me the patience and compassion she so humbly asked for as well. I too have to deal with that bunch of dumb-assed children. Of course, in my situation I not only deal with actual children, I also have to put up with their equally asinine parents who think that their child is perfect and can do no wrong and can not understand why I feel that a shock collar around the neck of the child would be the perfect answer to the behavior difficulty we have with little Joe. Touch Tori and I as we deal with these poor morons and give us the compassion and strength to deal with the incompetent. Because if ignorance is bliss, then I definitely am dealing with some happy, carefree people on a daily basis.

    **OK Linda – are we passing the plate yet?***

  9. tori

    This is our version of that ol’ Southern thing of saying, “She’s totally a complete redneck white-trash slut– bless her heart.”
    This is SO working for me!

    Momma Lloyd–I think what God MEANT to say was, “No, no, you were right the first time.”
    Gracelynn– the shock-collar thing made me lol!

  10. LindaB

    Do you think the modern day version of “smiting” is the stun gun?

  11. Wade

    AMEN… I know a few of those ppl!!! I have to go to church with some in the AM!!! Who said Women could not preach. But I do agree with Tori, it is funny to call them Pastor Jill or whatever their first name is!!

  12. CarolynR

    a brilliant satire auburn60. I think oral must refer to verbal communication done through clenched teeth!

  13. natesings

    Sporks are wonderful…spoon…fork…weapon! Whodathunkit!?

  14. auburn60

    Thanks Carolyn! And thanks for the special plea to the Almighty on Tori’s behalf. Those of us on this side of the pond are trying to encourage her to come out of her shell and be more forthcoming about
    her real feelings. :)

  15. CarolynR

    it’s an uphill struggle ;)

  16. trishARKANSAS

    Please can you all really pray? I have an aunt who is 50 years old and mentally retarted. She lives with us. Today we found out that she has breast cancer. How do you explain such a thing to a woman who has the mentality of an 11 year old?

  17. tori

    Oh Trish– absolutely.
    I am so very sorry.
    We will all be praying…

  18. CarolynR

    So sorry (((Trish))) Yes we are praying x

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