Fun with Googling

 I got this idea from a meme that’s floating around the blogosphere, and have been laughing like a maniac, because apparently I am easily amused. No seriously, this is funny.

Ok, here’s the deal: Type your first name, and the word “needs” next to it in the Google search engine. Like in my case obviously, that would be “Tori needs”– and then enjoy all of the bizarre random things that come up! (Since I share first names with a TV actress and an emo chick singer, I got a lot of great ones.)

Such as…


Tori needs some serious help. (Well, YEAH.)

Tori needs to be paid as much if not more than the others. (Finally somebody gets it!)

Tori needs more friends that have kids the same age as her kids. (Uh, maybe.)

Tori needs to fire her stylist, or maybe her weird husband picked out this horrible outfit. (BWAA HA HA!)

Tori Needs dough. NOW. (Preach it.)

Tori needs to find a guitar player and just freakin’ rock her butt off! (Been telling people that for years.)


Tori needs all the work she can get. (See #2)

Tori needs to work on her hair style and wear a bra. (Hurts my feelings, but ok, I’ll give you that one.)

Tori needs to get her discipline gene up and running. (SELF-discipline!)

Tori needs to feel fully included in this flock’s activities. (Because nobody wants to be odd sheep out.)

Tori needs to cut back on the botox. (*snickering*)

Tori needs good timing and quick body movement. (So I can freakin’ rock my butt off!)

Tori needs to stop posing for the camera. (Can’t help it– must hide chins.)

Tori needs to use the brain that the good Lord above gave her. (Please don’t blame my brain on Him.)

Tori Needs Crocs! (Ew! No I don’t!)

Tori needs her supporters to show some love so leave comments. (I swear I didn’t make that one up.)


Tori needs to keep her terrible dented boobs covered at all times. They ruined my breakfast!



Here’s Russ':


Russ needs to credibly explain himself. (Always.)

Russ needs to get some passing experience in the next three pre-season games. (Um, ok.)

Russ needs to get off his rear end. (Always.)

Russ needs your help to fight for progressive values in government. (Russ for President!)

 Russ needs glow sticks. (And lots of ‘em.)

Russ needs some of his own medicine, finally. (“Finally”?)

Russ needs a get-rich scheme – and fast. (Yes, amen.)

Russ needs his alone time. (But not as much as Tori does!)

Russ needs a lot more fluency help than he does psychological help. (Debatable.)

Russ needs a glove. (Just one? Like Michael Jackson?)

Russ needs some extra rules. (Extra SILLY ones!)

Russ needs to use higher-powered incentives. (Because those low-powered ones apparently aren’t cutting it.)

Russ needs someone to hold his hand, just like the rest of us. (Aw…)

Russ needs three hours to graduate. (That seems like a long time.)


“God is the spark that Russ needs to be happy.”


Madi’s best?

Madi needs a belly rubby. (But you’ll have to go through her dad and I first.)

Charlotte’s best?

Charlotte needs someone to slip some Happy Dust into her Shirley Temple. (I think someone already did.)



And now it’s your turn! Give me your best ones, and if you want to comment on them, even better.

Go! Now! What are you waiting for?







39 Responses

  1. auburn60

    My name has become trendy of late, so I got a lot of young actress-related comments, too.

    A few of my favorites:

    Alyson needs:

    — lots and lots of coffee. (Every day that I live.)
    –a drunken hook-up. (um,no thanks.)
    –to zip it.(Lots of support out there for this one.)
    –a little extra help.(Hello! Family!Let’s apply this to house-cleaning.)
    –to be left alone. (Yeah,sometimes that’s the wisest course.)
    –to find a home. (Another one? I haven’t gotten this one where I want it yet.)
    My personal favorite:
    –some sexy soldiers to escort her during her grand entrance. (Heck yeah. Everywhere. Church,grocery store,my son’s school. Nothing says ‘rock star status’ like a sexy soldier escort.)

  2. belinda

    I had no idea I needed all of this :)
    Facebook??? (Why???? I can’t keep up with my MySpace page.)

    Learn about different methods to accept investors backing (come on backers!!!! I’ll take the money!!! I’ll invest it wisely, where are you, step right up! I’m ready!!!)

    And deserves a lot of promotion (Yea Baby)

    Make a livable home for them and their son (WHAT!!!!!) and hopes to bring back some elegance and grandeur. (Forgetting the elegance and grandeur, I’m still stuck on the son – hasn’t happened and just ain’t gonna happen folks)

    All the heavenly help she can get this morning(AMEN!!!! especially on Monday mornings, I HATE Monday’s)

    More credit for what she does (Amen & Amen!!! I hope the right people are reading this :) )

    To use her brain for once?????(ouch I thought I did that)

    To ask for some snoring device to quieten her down at night? (Um I think that would be for Troy, that boy can snore, but not me!)

    Anger management counseling (lol you really don’t want to mess with me now :) )

  3. belinda

    Okay, I had to do Troy and you know what the very first one was, and I kid you not!

    A job!!! (Amen to that bring in on Baby, we are so ready for that)

    An aide in the classroom with him? (The boy is so not going back to school)

    Rehab (Maybe from all the housework and cooking he has been having to do – I think he is really ready for a job)

    Playgrounds, dog runs & Museums (hmmmm not sure about the playground maybe we are going to build our own golf course and tennis courts and racket ball play grounds? Dog runs, our dogs already have that. Museum…maybe a hat museum for ALL of his hats or money clips or pens or all the other million thing that boy collects. Hey maybe that is his new job?)

    A Boy (What is this????? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, we are TOO OLD)

    To switch shampoo brands (Leave his hair alone, he has great hair)

    A new Quarterback (Maybe he is going to buy a pro football team? Maybe the DENVER BRONCOS??? Go Broncos!!! )

    A place to shop (Not!!! The boy can find plenty on his own)

    A dance with…..(hmmmmmmmmmm wonder oh wonder who he would pick?)

  4. trishARKANSAS

    I tried and got a good laugh. Here are a few…
    Trish needs…
    1. A makeover. (I agree)
    2. To be always in control of the situation and her men. (I’ll ask my husband to comment on that)
    3. A space streaming video on sinful sirens. (Hello I’m from Pope County Arkansas. What is a “sinful siren”?)
    4. Time off. (amen and preach it)
    5. To take a good hard look at her own trunk. (Does the phrase “junk in your trunk” mean anything?)

    and my favorite
    6. help mentally, help with laundry, help with packing, and help controlling Monkey Boy. (How did they know all this?)

  5. meb

    My top five…

    Michelle needs your help (in so many ways)

    Michelle needs every advantage possible to attain this goal. … (goes along with needing help)

    Michelle needs a family that will be patient, consistent, kind, loving (especially when the 8 year old is dealing with early hormonal issues and I think I’m dealing with early menopause issues)

    Michelle needs quality time with Holly. … (uh, who’s Holly?)

    Michelle needs to take an extended break from golf after this weekend (maybe the Wii golf…)

  6. Phyllis R

    Apparently I am one more sad case. ROFL I share my name with a soap opera character. Well here goes what I need. LOL

    1. Phyllis needs: a new maid (I think soooooo) :)
    2. Phyllis needs: a furever home in West Virginia (?!?!?!?!?)
    3. Phyllis needs: to spill her guts to Nick on The Young & The Restless. (come to think of it..he is a cutie)
    4. Phyllis needs: to see one of her counsellors (probably so. LOL)
    5. Phyllis needs: to cut the apron strings! (thought I already did)
    6. Phyllis needs: positive things in her life (ummmm, thought things were going pretty good.)
    7. Phyllis needs: advice (Man you got that right) :)

    This was kinda fun…thanks ya Tori :)

  7. meb

    I didn’t see this one until after I finished the last comment.
    Michelle needs to learn how to say poop in a foreign language. :-)

  8. camommy2kj

    I did this on my blog! Thanks for the laughs! :)

  9. tori

    meb— let me know how that foray into foreign languages turns out for you…
    (I think that the French word is “merde”– oh wait, that may be a little stronger than ‘poop’!)

  10. meb

    Oh I think I have too much time on my hands. But I got a good laugh out of it, so here’s the list of what I could find.
    krma – croatian
    záď – czech
    lort – danish
    kak – dutch
    kakka – finnish
    merde – french
    auspumpen – german
    poppa – italian
    akterstevn – norwegian
    rufa – polish
    coc̫ Рportugese
    dunetă – romanian
    полуют – russian
    popa or caca – spanish
    akter – swedish

  11. rockin robyn

    What a fun assignment!!

    O.k. here’s the deal… up until now I believe I’ve lived a pretty wholesome life. I’ve tried to walk the straight and the narrow… tried to be a good girl and stay out of troubles way and for the last 46 years I’ve screwed up a few times, strayed off of God’s path for me – a few times but always found my way back – but I don’t know, I think this assignment is trying to tell me something:

    ** it even starts out rough*:

    Robyn needs:

    – to get some!(only men with beards need apply) “personally I
    don’t like bearded men – but who told” LOL!

    – to contend with male teasing “I’m not making this up…”

    – some love “that’s a little kinder”

    – to be replaced immediately “sniff”

    – JENNY CRAIG “possibly this evil internet thinks that’s why
    I don’t have a man in my life right now –
    not true”

    – absolutely no introduction “apparently I do”

    – needs to blow up in america “Jenny Craig or no Jenny Craig –
    make up my mind…”

    – needs to take some notes on you guys “I was always told they
    are a learning process”

    – needs to organise telephone line for this event to happen
    “I’m kind of getting excited that some-
    one is telling me to date again…”

    – needs to RELAXXX “slapped in the face…”

    **all of these googles fell pretty much – one right after another to tell the story of my lonely life… sniff, sniff

    and finally, when/if a new horse (or “A” horse) arrives in my suburban town…

    – needs a new saddle “and I’m off”

    Tori, I always liked my name… I love my mom for spelling it so special and different (I don’t like when people spell it “I” “N” but what is it with all the – how you say – not so pretty pictures attached to my name… the internet is a filthy, filthy place…

    But this Robyn with a “Y” is here to keep it clean!!!

  12. gracelynn

    LOL OK mine is just hilarious and eerie. Because some of these actually apply. Such as – Lynn needs:

    1) to develop a larger repertoire of reading vocabulary (um…I have some students that might think that LOL)

    2) help with her baby ya’ll (I wasn’t aware I even had one!)

    3) a good spanking (parents might agree with that one, even though I AM grown)

    4) a blog (co-teacher would definitely agree with that one!)

    5) to go into hiding (I AM a teacher after all – kids would approve)

    6) a box of new crayons (well thanks but I teach middle school – sharpies would be better)

    7) love (THERE YOU GO! Hit the nail on the head with that one)

    8) to figure out a special way to deal with your stress, girl! (OK they definitely got that one right! Esp. since school starts Monday)

    and 9) to go back to school (BUT I JUST GOT HOME FROM WORK!!!!!!! And my bulletin boards were fine!)

  13. gracelynn

    Thanks meb. Now if one of those kids irritates me next week I can call them a poop in a foreign language and they won’t have a clue what I am saying. (Well better not use the Spanish one – I do have a few Spanish speakers in the room) ;)

  14. tammy961

    Tammy needs constant care. (wow!! I’m only 46. Must have really let myself go!!)

    Tammy needs a baby…(HECK NO!! once again! I’m 46 and have a 23 yr old son!!)

    Tammy needs your prayers (Ok-I’ll take this one, can never have too much prayer)

    Tammy needs all information by January 5th (hmmmmmm….better start informing me)

    Tammy needs our help (sure, we’ll get the job done much quicker)

    Tammy Needs to Know (just TELL me!!)

    tammy needs to be reborn( I have been born AND born again!! how many times do I need?)

    TaMmY needs more coffee! (just make that a coke—no coffee here)

    Tammy needs lots of room to play (never can have TOO much room to play)

  15. Max D

    Hi Tori and All! Thought I would check in and see what all the “chatter” is about!! Looks like fun but when I tried Maxine needs……all I got was my favorite Maxine and all her comments! Tori – great blog and have to say that your daughters are drop dead gorgeous. Do you have a loooooooong leash?


  16. Max D

    Hi Tori – It’s Max again!!!! When I registered for a password I got the most incredible password returned to me – one I can’t even type but have to copy/paste. How do I change a password so that I can type it???? Duhhh? Color me stupid on this one!

    Love your blog!


  17. LindaB

    Wow! This was fun!

    Here’s what I need:

    What LINDA NEEDS is intensive behavioral management, (a suggestion she has successfully resisted) … (I’m over 60—it’s too late….I’m “unfettered” now.)

    LINDA NEEDS your financial assistance to run a successful race. Make checks payable to:. Friends of Linda…..(Visa and Mastercard welcome too)

    I recently had my eyes examined and all I see is that LINDA NEEDS a 2007 updated makeover. … (My kids must have put this on the internet. They tell me my clothes look like Mimi’s on that Drew Carey show.)

    …adventures in our home are those Fridays when LINDA NEEDS comfort food, … (And Monday,Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, and twice on Sunday.)

    LINDA NEEDS to be able to go into a room, shut the door, and be by herself in order to get her work done. Prolonged people interaction is draining and…… (HA!!!! I’m in there eating comfort food.)

    LINDA NEEDS hearing aids. (Huh???? What’d you say? Steering blades?)

    LINDA NEEDS to raise just a little over $24,000. (And I have just $23,995 to go!)

    Since you can’t see any injury you know LINDA NEEDS more than a bandaid. (I DO! I need $23,995! And a hearing aid.)

    LINDA NEEDS to be a part of a loving, committed marriage. (Okay, this is true…….especially the “committed” part.)

    LINDA NEEDS to be honest with Willy, until she doesn’t tell him the truth nothing else really … (I guess this one belongs to the one above.)

    LINDA NEEDS a double lung transplant and has been placed on the transplant list. (Cough, cough.)

    That photo of LINDA NEEDS to be replaced by a photo of Kash before my monitor cracks. (I beg your pardon! Double lung transplant people have feelings too.)

    Whenever Linda needs a new idea, she just starts watching her dog! … (That’s why I’ve started lifting my leg on the furniture.)

    “LINDA NEEDS to take her head out of her a****** and start to use it (the head, not the a******).” (Hey, I can’t even bend over to tie my shoes, much less…….well, you know.)

    LINDA simply NEEDS to be removed. She sticks her nose into everyone’s business. (Okay, I’ll give you this one.)

    LINDA, YOU NEED a shrink. (I have an appointment next week….I hope the hearing aid comes before then.)

    LINDA NEEDS to find $50 or $100 each month…. Linda needs your help.
    (Hey, double lungs don’t grow on trees, ya know!)

    LINDA NEEDS space to create and display. (Which means I’ve outgrown my recliner.)

    LINDA NEEDS to quit stalking Hulk Hogan! (Hey, that was a long time ago……when I was in the Clio Girl Scouts…..and I was trying to earn a merit badge. I told you Clio was rough.)

  18. Max D

    Oh my gosh! That is funny!

  19. gracelynn

    Linda that is priceless! My sides are hurting from laughing so hard! You go lady!

  20. Amazed

    This is a cute blog – my name was already selected and can’t add anything to the comments! Tori you are so imaginative!

  21. dijea

    Dijea needs therapy.

    It says it all.

  22. LindaB

    I looked up my husband’s name too, and here’s what Terry needs:

    Terry needs glasses. (Which explains a lot!)

    Terry Needs Braids or Dreads (He just needs HAIR!)

    Terry needs only the usual level of age-appropriate guidance and supervision. His self-care and independence is above-average and he … (YEAH! Cause I’ve spent 43 years training him!)

    Somone Needs to Tell Terry to Stop Sniffing Glue. (He’s married to ME! The man needs some kind of escape once in a while. And glue is cheap!)

    Terry needs to step back a bit because he’s clearly too close … (I bet he wishes someone had told him this before the wedding!)

    Okay, and I swear I didn’t make this one up——-

    Terry needs viagra and Linda needs to get on Slimfast. They both need new PR. What a disfunctional family. (Hey! That’s not true! ‘Nough said.)

  23. Max D


    you are so right! That says it all for so many of us!

  24. Amazed

    Well I am not sure I agree! Don’t think I need therapy and I think you are agreeing with Djea that we all need therapy. We are who we are! I don’t take any meds do you?

  25. BrownEyedGirl

    Wendy needs
    – a sewing machine ( true)
    – stoppy shoppy ( just try to keep me away from the thrift store on half off day!!!!!!!)
    – time and space ( who doesn’t???)
    – to warm up to animal welfare (okay, I may not want pets, but I truly care for animals)
    – needs to get a clue ( hmm- no comment LOL)
    – needs more chairs ( And what will I be doing with these chairs??)
    – needs more prayer ( always!!)
    – needs a quiet home ( nah!!!! House is getting way too quiet by the minute!!!)
    – needs a band! ( sounds like fun!!)
    – Wendy needs to wear a mini-skirt on a Southwest Airlines flight to get any positive press. ( does the world REALLY want to see that??) – my favorite one so far LOL

  26. LindaB

    Okay I have to participate. But I couldn’t register it hasn’t emailed me a password and won’t let me do it again, so I am using my mom’s for now. I am Candy, Linda B’s daughter, yes that’s right, I am her legitimate offspring and I admit it.
    Well I couldn’t use my nickname Candy because apparently all the kids in high school were right and that is a stripper name (thank you mom for that). So I used my legal name Candace.
    Candace needs your Prayers (always, have you met my mother?)

    Candace needs something to drink (again have you met my mother?)

    Candace needs to get some dirty, hands-on experience (I hope they’re talking about gardening)

    candace needs her knight in shining armor to come riding in (my husband might have a problem with that)

    Candace needs a firm, consistent hand that will establish the house rules (again, my husband might have a problem with that)

    candace needs a hug (is George Clooney available for this?)

    candace needs to do a playboy shoot (seriously, I can’t even comment on this one)

    Candace needs to find a balance (a balance between chocolate sauce and ice cream is what I am interested in)

    Candace needs to wax her forehead and get rid of the nappy weave (that’s it I am switching hair stylists)

    Tori this was so much fun, my mom read me your last post and I was laughing so hard I cried. Keep up the good work.


  27. belinda

    Welcome Candace – we love your Mom, she keeps us in stitches all the time. I wish I had her quick wit! Come back and join us anytime. Trust me I was laughing when I read that previous post and loved it! Laughter is good for all of us!

  28. tori

    YAY CANDY!!!!
    You need to mug your mom and steal the computer more often!
    And seriously? Don’t get rid of the nappy weave.

  29. gracelynn

    Welcome Candy! We do love Linda and she is hilarious. I’ll be praying hard for you! ;)

  30. auburn60

    Hi Candy !
    You can stop in and tell us the really good stuff on your mom anytime.
    Oh wait…she’s not exactly shy about self-disclosing.

  31. LindaB

    Yeah, Alyson! What HAVEN’T I told you guys? If Candy can tell you more than that, I’D like to hear it!!!

  32. Barbara M. Lloyd

    I know Candy and she is as witty as her mom. In fact, Linda’s mother is the funniest of all. I’m unable to google, so I was thinking about asking Linda to google for me….then I came to myself and decided to sit this one out.

  33. LindaB

    Barb, I actually thought of doing just that for you yesterday, but thought you might not want ME to do it. But since you mentioned it, here goes:

    Barb needs a family that appreciates her endearing and happy personality……….(That’d be US! You NEED us, Barb!)

    Barb is: feeling like she needs to shut herself in the closet and make all the people go away…..(But we were just starting to be that happy family you need!)

    Barb, you need to lube your buttons……..(I hate it when my buttons are squeaking!)

    Barb needs a new guy…….(And Alyson already volunteered to help you find one!)

    Barb needs a way to deal with these monsters…….(They don’t mean US, do they?)

    Barb really needs to get her ankle checked today. We have a 15k next weekend. …….(Run, Barb, Run! I’ll hold your “badge” for ya!)

    Barb needs to be fed a variety of foods including vegetables as well as meaty foods………(Don’t we all??)

    Barb needs more brain surgery, as swelling and fluid was building up. Her brain is “very sick again” as doctor explained. Surgery is Tues…………….(And I thought it was just her head that had swelled since she won the title of R.T.’s Number One Fan!)

    The local organic milk and cream supply is something Barb needs to constantly monitor…….(That’s just an excuse to see the milkman more often!)

    barb needs to tone up in about 4 weeks before being reunited with an old flame-………..(So I guess we’ll be looking for Barb at the gym from now on!)

    Barbs need at least a 30 gallon aquarium……(Goin’ fishin’, Barb?)

    Barb needs to rest……..(Yeah! Toning up, fishing, and running the 15K is exhausting!)

  34. Jozet at Halushki

    Josette needs to write a book called “something Smells Different”

    Now…about your dented boobs….;-)

  35. gracelynn

    LOL that was good Linda. I was thinking of doing that for Barbara but you beat me too it so thanks! Actually I was trying another one – try doing “(your name) thinks” and you’ll get even more crazy ones. I just shared my friend’s results with her and she was about to die laughing.

  36. Barbara M. Lloyd

    Thanks Linda, my new excuse is my brain is sick. But not sick enough to let you hold my RT #1 fan Badge. I’ll run that race with it flopping proudly in the breeze. I would have said wind, but I’d have to run faster for that and I’ll be lucky to get up a little breeze.

  37. drmani

    I liked result #9 on Google:

    “Dr. Mani needs DONATIONS!”

    Yes, he does! For this:

  38. tori

    ANd what an incredible foundation you represent!
    (Reading up on it right now…)

  39. Cynders

    There are so few people out there with my name…there’s not much that I can really use from the Google search. Ignoring the last names that come up…this is what I could pull ..

    Mary Lynn needs… to take responsibility for the death of Jo. Her actions caused the death! (I did not…and who is/was Jo?)

    Mary Lynn… spends all day making a batch of her sauce (I wish! Only if the sauce is some computer program for Finance)

    Mary Lynn Needs A Border (wait a minute….is this an insult? I’m not thaaaaaaaaaaaaat big that I’d need my own border)

    Mary Lynn was born and raised in Trenton, Michigan (really? but my Mom wouldn’t lie to me!)

    Mary Lynn has been a member of the JCC for about seven years (congrats to me – I must have slept through the whole thing)

    Hang in there Mary Lynn, and fight to get the things Jamie needs, don’t give up (I won’t give up — what is it Jamie needs anyway?…..ummmm and who IS Jamie?)

    Mary Lynn … occasionally needs a hug from a stranger. (oh yeah… doesn’t have to be a stranger… I can suggest some names)

    Mary Lynn …has announced that she too is pregnant. (it was all that hugging strangers)

    Mary Lynn… gave birth to a baby boy (wow! those 9 months went fast…and I didn’t feel a thing!)

    Mary Lynn has a new horse, (was a really tight squeeze getting him in the elevator going up to my apartment)

    Mary Lynn went to Baghdad, Iraq (I did?)

    Mary Lynn… really needs her fluids and morphine drip. (I guess so, if I went to Iraq, got pregnant, had a baby boy…and can’t remember one bit of it — then again — maybe I had too much morphine)

    Mary Lynn’s professional competence, mediation and training skills and, above all, her attentiveness to people and their needs are superior. (awwww…you are too kind!)

    I also looked up my Mom — her name is Lily.
    She’d not be thrilled to see this:

    1) Lily needs a survival guide because she’s just starting out (will a GPS be sufficient?)

    2) Lily needs fertilizer … (sorry too late for that…:)

    10) Lily needs to be permanently committed to an institution … (hey! she’s not thaaaaaaaaat bad!)

    Lily needs a good home!!!! (ummmmmm… )

    Lily Needs Her Eyes Examined (OK…)

    Lily Needs a Bath Date (a bath DATE???)

    Lily needs a reminder about underarm grooming (eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww)

    Lily Needs Prayer (considering the above…I agree)

    Lily is not her mother’s daughter (huh??)

    Lily Needs a Nice Boy Kiss-a-Kiss-a-Kiss-a Kiss Me (will my Dad be sufficient?)

    Lily …Needs To Buy A Few Bras (why are you looking?)

    Lily needs summer days with high heat (sounds good – don’t we all?)

    There are so very many for Lily – but I will stop with the continuing thought of SUMMER.

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