Squirrels are mocking me.

So I have this sweet bird feeder right outside of my bedroom window.

It is tucked behind a hedge and hanging from a black metal shepherd’s crook, so when I am sitting up in my bed I can watch the birds coming and going. I get an inordinate amount of pleasure from this. I’m a cheap date that way– don’t need an ocean view, just give me a WalMart bird feeder on a hook and I’m good.

I have figured out the exact right mix of seeds to attract my favorite kinds of birds, which are chickadees, titmice, cardinals and sparrows. I also enjoy the occasional guest appearance from a towhee or a big fat noisy bluejay. So all has been well here in Tori’s Disney Movie, until this ratty looking grey squirrel with a bad attitude suddenly started showing up and wreaking havoc. 

To the naked eye he looks kind of innocuous and innocent. Just a hungry little squirrel wanting to eat some birdseed…

But I’m no fool. It’s written all over his face. Here’s what’s REALLY going on in his little squirrel brain every time I bang on the window and shoo him away from the feeder–




I hate him.

He’s is emptying my feeder faster than I can fill it. The birds are starting to give me scornful looks, they’re all, “Seriously, can’t you do something?” I feel frustrated, ineffectual and may need a support group. I am convinced he is part of a vast grey squirrel conspiracy, and I have reason to believe they are secretly planning a complete takeover.




They are NOT kidding around, people–they mean business.



I refuse to be outwitted by a stupid tree rat. Today when I waved my arms and banged on the glass to scare him away for the eleventy hundredth time, I finally lost my temper and shouted, “Ok squirrel, you want a piece of me? This is WAR!”

He oh-so-casually retreated to a tree about 3 feet away, stretched out flat on a branch and just hung there with his creepy little paws dangling in the air. I swear I saw him smirk at me.


Oh make no mistake, my friend– it’s ON.

12 Responses

  1. tammy961

    Hey Tori!! It’s me–Squirrel lover (well actually, all kind of critter lover) but anywhoooo–here is what our solution to THAT dilemna was.. we bought squirrel feeders and attached them to trees that are nowhere near our bird feeders..this keeps those precious furry critters away from the precious feathery ones…..I know, I know–I can hear you now–Squirrels are just rats with good PR–but hey–somebody has to love ‘em -so it can just be me—to me, they are entertaining—-Please don’t get yourself into a situation where I may need to come post bail because Mrs. Rambo (you) has gathered an arsenal to lay in wait for a squirrel ambush one glorious morning….I think I can already hear a song in the making…….

  2. tammy961

    oh yeah–one more thing–Where did you find such tiny accessories for your furry friends and how in the name of goodness did you ever get them to pose for you?? I knew you were good–but GIRL!! that is amazing!

  3. MostlySunny

    OR…get a BB gun and go for it!!! (I’m from the Sarah Palin world of gun, totin’ gals who hunt things…we [mostly Grandpa] used to eat squirrels growing up…it’s a Native American Indian thing…) Sorry tammy961!

  4. LindaB

    Oh, I hear ya! And I want to add——-if squirrels are the army, chipmunks are the special forces……..the Navy Seals! We’ve been at war with these evil devils for three years now, and are getting battle weary! And this is the incredible part——we, my husband and I, outweigh them by hundreds of pounds, we’re taller, we have more money and more insurance, more education, more resources, more cunning, more access to the internet and Orkin, and up until now, I thought more brain power……..BUT THEY ARE WINNING!!! Sometimes, on dark dreary days, we think of just giving up………..of giving them the keys to our home, putting their names on our mailbox (Chip and Dale???), and handing over our little book of computer passwords. But then, the sun shines again and we pick up the fight anew. (We’re too old and tired to move!)

    I’m just as amused as the next nice person at cute little furry chippies running around in frantic circles gathering nuts and berries for the winter! I used to think that they are doing what nature dictates to survive the harsh winters here. But now I KNOW it’s an effort to get the food in quickly so they can get on with their REAL mission—–to plan and orchestrate evil activities to harrass and wreck havoc on innocent homeowners! I’m not kidding here, folks! My eyes have been opened!

    So, I sympathize completely with your squirrel problem, Tori! My advice is——spare no squirrel, no matter how convincing their P.R., and take no prisoners! Scorched earth policy—-I think they call it. We’re talking about survival here——the birds AND YOUR SANITY and good humor!

    I have one warning though——if your war with them leads you to implement pepper spray as a weapon, my mother’s experience may be of benefit to you. She had a pesky, unrelenting squirrel eating all the seeds she had provided for the birds, and she decided to fight back with pepper spray. She waited on her deck that was next to a huge oak tree where her birdfeeder was hung, and when she saw the squirrel climbing up to the feeder, she let go with a torrent of pepper spray directly aimed at his fat little head. BUT, a breeze blew through in HER direction and the spray came back in HER face! She had glasses on, but was still blinded by the stuff and ended up practically crawling back into the house, finding her way to the kitchen sink and splashing cold water in her face until she could stand to open her eyes! (She swears she could hear the rodent laughing as he ransacked the feeder!) I’m not saying don’t use it, just that maybe a little “training” might be in order……and a wind sock.

  5. gracelynn

    ROTFLMBO That was perfect Tori! I needed that laugh today.

    Believe me, we know all about squirrels in this house. They try and take our bird feeders hostage too and scare off our precious little friends too. The only difference is that my brother hunts squirrels and after he takes care of a couple of the invaders, the squirrels realize that we have them by their furry little tails and quit visiting LOL. Eventually they get brave enough to try again until the dogs go after them and they finally surrender and return to the woods from whence they came forth.

    And Linda, since you added chipmunks to the list, I’m going to put my family’s other arch enemy on it as well – the groundhog!

  6. rockin robyn

    Squirrels are just rats with fluffy tails!!!

    Tori, if you hang my vehicle along side your bird feeder, guaranteed, you’ll at least have a “red” cardinal (from PA) around to watch how pretty he is while he’s dive bombing my mirrors. LOL

    LindaB (ROTF)!! I’ve never laughed so hard… thanks for that!

    You ever get the feeling that we just aren’t getting along with God’s critters… Seems like we are in each others way!

  7. Hazel

    Umm, Hazel here. I’m not trying to brag on my man or anything, BUT I will say that your issues sound VERY familiar (must be one of them bonuses of livin’ in Williamson County, huh?). All I’m gonna say is that we don’t have that issue anymore thanks to my Bubba. Let’s just say the little nut cases were legally eradicated within the city limits and are in squirrel heaven. I’m sure for a small fee or maybe some monkey bread and coffee he will work for hire.

  8. teegees

    Tori, Maybe you should check out this website: http://www.antisquirrel.com/

  9. Ben Jones

    Hello Tori,
    I’m sorry it has been so long since I replied last. Work has been soooo busy. Praise God for that. I however decided to just print out your blog and that way I can catch up on what’s going on while going from job sit to job site. Most of the time I don’t drive so I think this will be perfect. For now my advice is just to dispatch of the critter with some fire power. I am sorry if that offend some of you, but I live in the mountains and there are certain varmits just cant be tollerated. Good luck.
    Ben Jones

  10. dijea

    They have those lovely plastic umbrella things you can put over those so the tree rats can’t get to the bird feeder. They aren’t pretty but it usually does job.

    I love too love to watch the birds, I was visiting the arboretum this weekend and came upon a huge hawk (trying to get himself a squirrel too). I’m not sure if he succeeded or not, but it was nice to see them squirm.

  11. tori

    I LOVE your squirrel chatter!
    Apparently I am not alone in thinking that they are cute to look at (I hear ya, Tammy!) but hell on birdfeeders… I have been researching ‘squirrel-proof’ feeders for days, but my situation is complicated by the fact that I am using a shepherd’s crook to hang it from AND there is a window ledge and bush very close– so any deterrent can maybe be gotten around because of the proximity of things for the little suckers to leeeeean from. The thing is, there is just a small area that will guarantee me a close, unobstructed view from y bedroom window, which is the point.
    Thank you for your offers to come over and assassinate the squirrel– nothing says “we care about you” like offering to murder a squirrel! But here’s the deal– “he” stood up yesterday on “his” hind legs and he’s a she! And apparently a nursing mother! *sigh* So there goes my negative attitude. Now I’m thinking of leaving food and a little layette out for her… Possibly a stroller, too.

  12. LindaB

    She’s probably got her own blog too! Maybe “Up Your Tree.com”…….or maybe just “Up Yours”, if she’s got an attitude.

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