That’s some good TV right there, people.

You know what makes me yell out loud at the TV? Literally?

That “I Know My Kid’s A Star” show on VH-1. Please tell me you’ve watched it at least once–if not, you are SO missing a cathartic opportunity to purge yourself of any latent mom-guilt you might be carrying around. I don’t care how bad you have ever blown it, or how afraid you are that your kid is screwed-up beyond all repair because of your negligible parenting skills, you will want to send yourself a large, fragrant, 1-800-FLOWERS bouquet after watching these muthas.

The entire cast of I Know My Kid\'s A Star

What is up with those women? Why would anyone in the world want their kid to be a ‘child star’? Do they not read Perez Hilton, for crying out loud? What is it about Young Hollywood that would make a mom say, “Oh yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ about! Sign my kid up immediately!” Every time I watch that stupid show (I know, it does beg the obvious question) I am so appalled at the naked ambition of the mothers that I can’t even fully enjoy the gross overacting of their fake-precocious, openly disrespectful, Britney-in-the-making little moppets.

The moms are seriously scary. In between assuring anyone who will listen how much they love and have sacrificed for their children, they are scathingly critical of them behind the scenes in ways that are guaranteed to suck every ounce of self-esteem right out of their fame-hungry little selves. Of course some moms are definitely worse than others, but even the least egregious parent (yeah, it started out with a father or two in the mix, but their lightweight butts got sent home early on–it’s the moms that are running this asylum!) virtually reeks of wanna-be. Several of them make sure to mention often that they have had a ‘career’ in show business, and they reel off their resume so readily that you just know they’ve got it all printed out with an 8 x 10 glossy stuffed in their purse, just in case. And OH, the scariest (and my favorite) part of the whole deal is the fact that Danny Bonaduce is the host!

Closeup of redhead Danny Bonaduce

YES! That Danny Bonaduce, that crazy, steroided, walking cautionary tale to stage mothers everywhere!

(Actually, come to think of it, maybe it’s not so stupid after all– maybe it’s kind of like hiring Keith Richards to host a “Dangers of Drug Use” show…) And what does it say about the moms that Danny comes off looking like the most balanced and compassionate adult on the show by comparison?!

The most entertaining trainwreck of all is a hot mess mom named Rocky, who looks like she got kicked off of the Guns and Roses tour bus in a truckstop parking lot, circa 1987. Only not as classy. The words “rode hard and put up wet” come to mind.

Rocky sitting on a couch pursing her lips with her arm over her head
Rocky and her daughter wearing cowboy hats

Anyway, Rocky has never met a mood swing she doesn’t like and even in that rental house full of vipers her naked desperation for her child to win so SHE can be noticed stands out. After pissing off every other mother and half the judges, she finally gives such an off-the-chain, psychotic rant involving vague threats of death via a plastic hanger that she must have made the producers and insurers nervous enough to send her (and her long-suffering, bewildered daughter) packing. They’re gonna miss her, though. Between displaying her pole dancing abilities in the kitchen…

Rocky and her daughter dancing

and asking her daughter to let her know if her tampon string was showing because her skirt was so short…

Rocky in a very short skirt leaning over her daughter

…she added an element of humanity–ok, wait– GROSS INAPPROPRIATENESS, that’s what I meant, not humanity.

Anyway, she’s outta there, so now it’s left up to the Plastic Pageant mom, the Ruthless Acting Coach mom, the Emotionally Punishing mom, and all the rest of them to see just how far they can push their kids until somebody cracks.

The group of mothers sitting on various chairs

See? Don’t you feel better about your mothering skills now?!

You’re welcome.

(photos courtesy of VH-1)

8 Responses

  1. LindaB

    I’ve never seen that show, and I’m glad after hearing your assessment, Tori. It sounds disgusting. But there’s another show that I think is the sickest program ever on television, and I’m ashamed to say I watched about 15 minutes of it once—— because I just couldn’t believe they could possibly do what their ads for the show said they would do, and I had to see for myself. They did! It’s called “Moment of Truth”, and they blindside everyday somewhat ordinary people with embarrassing personal questions that could ruin their marriages, or their relationships with family members, or incriminate themselves——and they get money for it!!! A marriage was destroyed on the air while the audience watched the contestant quirm and her husband destroyed! What kind of entertainment is THAT? What kind of person enjoys seeing lives decimated, people humiliated, and disgusting family secrets dragged out into public view for everyone’s entertainment?

    There seems to be an outbreak of these kind of reality shows polluting the airwaves these days. (And it’s not just an American thing, the premise for that show is successful in 23 other countries!) And I thought our world was way past the days of Roman arenas and watching helpless victims suffer and die. Maybe not. Maybe it’s alright to “kill” someone with words now.

    I hope the show you described and the “Moment of Truth” I was talking about are soon off the air for lack of viewers.

  2. belinda

    I have never seen either one of these shows. I have seen the commercials for “Moment of Truth” and can not believe people would actually go on there. The commercials alone would keep me away.

  3. jensings

    Dude! Is THAT what I was watching through half-closed eyes during a wee-hours nursing session? This was what processed:

    “Hmmmmm. Kids. Zzzzzzz. Pageant moms. Zzzzzzzzzz. Danny Bonaduce? WTF?”

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  5. DonnaMariePatterson

    02/20/10 Ok, I’m bored today so I’ve decided to read your blogs from the beginning. *Yawn* Let’s see if you can entertain me. (shouldn’t be hard, my kid is grown, my dog is old and I’m out of a job for the first time since I was 16 yrs old.

    I hate that I missed the show ‘I Know My Kid’s a Star’ but thank goodness we now have ‘Toddlers and Tiaras’! No, no, I don’t watch that EVER! I wouldn’t watch a bunch of spoiled little (kinda sad) girls that look like hookers and little boys (who for some reason behave wonderfully) walk around in circles while their moms shake their hineys and make really strange faces. No – not me!

  6. DonnaMariePatterson

    Good grief! I missed your first blog! Only me!

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